Parenting is tough, and it’s even tougher when you don’t have a plan. Perhaps this is why the mother was so torn. Her family had been active in our church for almost eight years, but their child had started a new school and made new friends who attended a different church across town. That church had quickly become the trendy choice, with all the fun events, youth trips, and cool factors that a big budget could generate. The mother wanted to continue attending our church, but she also wanted to make her child happy. She insisted that nothing was wrong with our church, but she was torn because her child wanted to attend the other church with her friends. The father remained silent.

My advice wasn’t what they wanted to hear. I suggested that they should not leave a church they loved—and one that loved them—for another church’s appealing attributes. Instead, I encouraged them to evaluate each church’s ministry philosophy, mission, vision, and core values. I stressed the significance of making long-term decisions in parenting, rather than solely focusing on their child’s immediate enjoyment and friendships. I assured them that the church they loved offered valuable relationships that would contribute to their child’s long-term spiritual growth. I cautioned them that children’s interests and friendships change throughout adolescence. If they were to switch churches solely for their children to attend with their friends, those friendships might not endure through their teenage years. Instead, I emphasized the importance of their child having multi-generational relationships within a supportive church community that would last a lifetime.

While the father assured me that he was indeed the paterfamilias and wouldn’t dare allow his children’s whims to dictate his family’s spiritual decisions, they soon started attending the other church. My warnings came to fruition. Shortly after their departure, their child’s friendships dissolved, and they were again looking for another church to attend. This situation highlighted the crucial role of parents as spiritual leaders in their children’s lives, and the responsibility that comes with it. 

These parents weren’t selfish or immoral. They thought they were being sacrificial. They were willing to leave a church they loved because they believed their child’s enjoyment of church was paramount. Unfortunately, this had an unhealthy effect. Without intending to, these parents imparted an unbiblical and potentially toxic value to their children. They modeled for their child a consumeristic approach to worship and church membership. Their child learned from the parent’s actions that church membership was meaningless, especially in the light of comfort. 

Imparting Core Values

Whether we realize it or not, we impart values to our children with each decision. The question parents must wrestle with is, “What values do we want to impart?” Biblically, we as parents are to “Train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6 ESV). The question we must discern is what this looks like in our context. Is it simply attending church with our children and reading the Bible as a family, or is there more to it? 

In episode 245, JimBo and Audrea Stewart tackle this parenting issue by sharing how they embraced core values to help guide them in discipling their children. While pastors engaged with replanting and revitalization are thoroughly familiar with the idea of imparting biblical core values into the church’s culture, rarely do we hear of parents approaching their family in a like manner. Discipline? Yes, indeed. Biblical education, of course. Love? Most certainly! But core values? It sounds a little too institutional for many parents.

But why should it be? Establishing core values is essential in replanting churches because it eliminates wasted resources such as time, money, and effort. Would not the same be valid for the family? Without establishing core values as parents, how many missed opportunities have we experienced to better disciple our children? How much energy have we expounded on pursuing things that aren’t beneficial to our children’s development? By establishing these core values for parenting, our potential to raise godly children is greatly intensified. This should motivate parents to set clear core values in their parenting, giving them a sense of purpose and direction.

Parenting with core values is essentially beginning with the end in mind. Jimbo and Audrea Stewart adopted this approach to parenting, aiming to raise children into “adults [they] would enjoy being around.” They focused on instilling values of respect, integrity, self-control, and joyfulness in their children. This not only aligns with biblical principles but is also a strategic and intelligent parenting strategy.

While Stewart’s core values may differ from yours, parents should contemplate how to follow suit. A book called The Other Half of Church by Jim Wilder and Michel Hendricks may help you in this endeavor. Though this is not a parenting book, it is beneficial in understanding brain science and how to develop biblical character intentionally. 

The Need For Intentionality

Parents need to be intentional about their children’s growth and spiritual education. Bringing kids to church and reading the Bible together as a family are important habits, but young adults are leaving the church in alarming numbers, so these efforts may not be intentional enough. High school students are leaving the church after graduation at an alarming rate—66%, to be exact.

These are not unreached students. These students were actively involved in the youth ministry of an evangelical church for at least one year during high school but now do not attend church at all. Their church attendance declined at the same rate as Friday night football games and pep rallies. The church, once such an essential part of their lives, becomes as extraneous to them as a high school textbook in their college classrooms. The church is not merely losing ground among the unreached in post-Christian America—it is also bleeding out its own from internal wounds.

In their research project, Gen Z, the Barna Group presents extensive statistical data focusing on Generation Z’s worldview. According to research by Barna, the problem of students leaving the church comes down to a discipleship issue. Barna Group surveys, when compared with other research data, reveal an important lesson: the majority of young people who remained faithful to the church after high school attributed their faith to the influence of their parents. Those whose parents practiced intentional discipleship not only tended to follow biblical principles, such as attending church and embracing a biblical worldview, but also took their faith more seriously compared to those who simply attended church.

Even though children and adolescents seek independence, parents continue to be the most influential people in their child’s life. Even if youth leaders or children’s volunteers do everything right—building healthy relationships, becoming significant influences, and offering dynamic and relatable programs—they still won’t have nearly as much influence in a child’s life as their parents. Given that God designed parents to be the most influential relationship in their children’s lives, shouldn’t we acknowledge what a waste it would be to approach parenting without a strategy? Shouldn’t we recognize the importance of beginning with the end in mind and creating a plan to instill essential core values that contribute to long-term family discipleship?