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How to Navigate Church Conflict

Mapping your way to successful resolutions

A fun fact about me is that I am terrified of frogs. I don’t know why, or when the fear of frogs started. I just know that when I get near one, something in me is convinced that the frog’s mission in life is to jump on my face. I break into a cold sweat and walk to the other side of the street or sidewalk to avoid them. I don’t think they’re cute, and no, you can’t convince me otherwise. I feel similar feelings about snakes, but snakes aren’t typically going to jump on me and I am 100% CONVINCED that the frog will. We live beside a pond, so the spring and summer months are basically full of me zigzagging around the neighborhood in an effort to avoid frogs lying in wait to pounce on me while I take my dog out for a walk.

As scared as I am of frogs, there is something else that prompts that same “fight or flight” response for me: Conflict. I am what some might call “conflict-avoidant.” For me, conflict triggers the same response that frogs do– I break out into a cold sweat and start looking for a way to get around it. I just want to be through it as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately for me, conflict in ministry is as inevitable as the frogs in my neighborhood. It’s not a matter of “if” we experience conflict in church, it’s a matter of “when.” Sometimes the conflicts are simple, a small matter easily resolved. But some conflicts are bitter and hard, and they can leave us wounded and weary as we seek resolutions.

Our initial response to conflict can be very revealing of who we are as a person. There are those like me, for whom conflict is uncomfortable and frightening. We may have grown up in a household where fighting was common, or where showing emotions was not acceptable (either extreme can lead to conflict avoidance). Or you may be someone who looks forward to conflict as an area where you can assert yourself or your ideas. But something we should remember is that when we are faced with conflict, we are often reduced to our natural, self-destructive sin nature.

Knowing how to manage our conflicts is the key to seeing conflict properly– not as something to be afraid of, but instead as something to embrace. Too often, we think of conflict as a sign that we are failing. “If I was doing better, I wouldn’t have these issues,” we think. But the truth is, conflict can be a sign of health! In fact, handled correctly, conflict can provide us with great opportunities for spiritual growth and relationship building.

fingers pointing at each other

The Starting Point for Handling Conflict

On the Replant Bootcamp podcast this week, JimBob2 walked through what it looks like to handle conflict appropriately with the help of Michael Hare’s book, When Church Conflict Happens: A Proven Process for Resolving Unhealthy Disagreements and Embracing Healthy Ones. As a church conflict consultant, Hare has helped hundreds of people resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

Hare describes conflict in three categories:

  1. Unhealthy conflict- this type of disagreement often goes unrecognized until interpersonal disputes and church factions arise
  2. Benign conflict- this usually occurs because of organizational deficits and oversights that are unintentional
  3. Healthy conflict- disagreements that are recognized, acknowledged, and responded to in a biblically constructive manner.

When we are presented with a conflict, the most helpful question isn’t “what are you fighting about?” Instead, we need to look for the root of the disagreement. It’s not about the carpet color being changed, it’s more likely about the memories associated with the carpet or the fear of change in general. When we seek to understand the underlying emotions, we are cultivating a better church culture. Hare writes, “The manner in which church leaders respond to conflict sets the tone for the entire congregation and either provides a godly example of the ‘ministry of reconciliation’ or pushes conflict under the surface causing all kinds of trouble both in the present and in the future.”

Most of the time, in addition to the emotions of those involved in the conflict, we also bring our own bias into the equation. When we mediate a conflict, are we looking for compromises that won’t provide lasting resolution? Are we rushing to judge each person instead of listening to both sides? Are we responding with empathy, always keeping in mind Ephesians 4:15 and speaking the truth in love? Are we focused more on the unity of the body than on personal preferences? Emotions run high during conflict, and we must remember that our emotions are at work just as much as anyone else’s.

When we begin from a place of empathy and understand, we are responding redemptively. Hare describes this as something that isn’t natural for us– we have to train ourselves to begin at this point. He writes, “Learning to respond redemptively requires intentionality and discipline; it doesn’t happen naturally. We must be self-aware enough (with God’s help) to recognize when dangerous circumstances arise and be engaged in training ourselves in godliness so our immediate response becomes Christlike instead of defaulting to our old natural, sinful inclinations.”

Demystifying Conflict

Hare believes one of the ways we become better at mapping out conflict is to “demystify” it, or to remove some of the “unknowns” regarding conflict. Hare writes that conflict typically happens within 5 overlapping areas:

  • Intrapersonal: the conflict going on inside the individual person, a spiritual or emotional battle.
  • Interpersonal: the conflict between two people
  • Intragroup: the conflict within a group
  • Intergroup: the conflict between two groups
  • Structural: something within the organization that creates conflict.

When we are looking at a disagreement, we can typically see where this is happening and address each area accordingly. Hare uses the example found in Acts 6 to illustrate this overlap. In the disagreement among the Greek and the Hebrew widows, we see the apostles acknowledging the interpersonal and intrapersonal conflicts and responding with action. They didn’t avoid the conflict; they addressed the issue and found a way to continue the mission of the church.

Another key way we can “demystify” conflict is to look at potential structural causes for conflict. Many church disputes stem from disorganization within the systems of the church. (One group reserves a church vehicle for a conference only to find out another group takes an annual trip to the mountains that same weekend and have never had to sign out the vehicle.) Sometimes bylaws (or the lack of them) can cause misunderstandings. If you’re mediating a conflict between two groups or two people, it can be helpful to recognize areas where your church’s structure has contributed to the dispute and address those to avoid it in the future.

a chasm divides two sets of people

Kingdom Mindsets have Kingdom Resolutions

In resolving conflicts, we must move from a mentality that says “either/or” to one that says “both/and.” Using Acts 6 as an example, we see that the Apostles weren’t looking at the conflict as “Greeks versus Hebrews.” They didn’t feel like one group was more important than the other or that one group was better than the other. They found a way to say both groups are vital and we have to make sure that we are continuing the work of the Lord and making sure the needs of these people are met.

When we look with a Kingdom mindset, we are seeking the kingdom of God over our personal preferences and petty differences. We are looking not just in the best interest of our specific church, but in the best interest of God’s Church, the Bride of Christ. We are recognizing that we love the church too much to allow disputes and conflicts to gain a foothold in our unity and potentially drive a wedge between us.

Our ability to properly map out a conflict can mean the difference between an angry argument or a biblical resolution. Take time today to think about the most recent conflict you experienced. Would you handle it the same way now that you know how to map it out?

(There are multiple resources out there to handle conflict, but one that I found helpful was this list from NC Baptists of 20 ways to resolve church conflict.)

EP 111 – THE SYNERGIST AND LEADERSHIP JUDO

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Replant Bootcamp
EP 111 - THE SYNERGIST AND LEADERSHIP JUDO
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We’re back and wrapping up the Leadership Judo series, this time talking about the Synergist Leadership Style. This style is an important one and there are some unique dynamics in understanding, working with and accepting the contributions of a Synergist.

Here are some of the key highlights

  • Ask a Synergist to help you get people on board with an idea or initiative-they have great people skills and can build unity among team members.
  • Conflict often occurs between a Synergist and the Operator. The Operator can be viewed as too blunt and down to business by the Synergist who the operator thinks just focuses on talking and doing nothing of real substance.
  • The Synergist may default to inaction when the team or staff fails to develop consensus-it is important to help them move forward recognizing that you’ll never have 100% of your people/team/congregation on board.
  • They Synergist is a great relationship builder and can get a good read on people-connect with them to understand what might be taking place within your congregation.

We’d love to hear your thoughts-drop us a line, a text or call into the bootcamp hotline and leave us your questions or comments.

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EPISODE #110 – Processors and Leadership Judo

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EPISODE #110 - Processors and Leadership Judo
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This week the guys continue their series in Leadership Judo through the VOPS leadership styles by Les McKeown in his book The Synergist

  • THE MIND OF A PROCESSOR (quotes are from ch. 4 of The Synergist)
  • Processors feel compelled to bring order to all they see. They’re easy to recognize not just in business, but in every walk of life—Processors color-code their wardrobes, arrange their books by subject, and know the replacement date for their water filters.”
  • “So, unlike the Operator—who’s first thought when faced with a task is ‘Let’s get started’—a Processor’s first through is ‘What system or process can I put in place to ensure that this task is performed consistently in the future?’”
  • “Allied to the Processor’s need for order is their aversion to risk. . . The processor’s risk-aversion often manifests itself as a resistance to change.”
  • For a processor, data is all important. More precise than experience, more accurate than judgment, data is the fundamental currency in which the Processor trades.”
  • “It is important for Processors that whatever they do, the do it right. . . While this is usually a good thing—bringing precision is why the Processor is there after all—on occasion Processors can be so preoccupied with ‘doing the thing right’ at the expense of ‘doing the right thing that they lose sight of the organization’s overall business needs.”
  • Processor Strengths
    • Consistency and repeatability
    • Scalability
    • Accuracy
    • Control
    • Clinical perspective
  • Processor Weaknesses
    • Invariable pace
    • Resistance to risk and change
    • Overanalysis
    • Default to no

LEADERSHIP JUDO PRINCIPLES

  • Respect their principles
    • Be punctual – schedule in advance and show up on time and end at or before the scheduled end time
    • Be prepared – have data, know what you are talking about or asking
    • Be precise – don’t exaggerate or be ambiguous
      • Processors love the integrity of data and are easily frustrated with ambiguity or exaggeration. “Frequent use of broad sweeping statements will eventually, in the eyes of the processor, undermine the credibility of the people making those statements.”
  • Set precise goals (with deadlines)
    • Set realistic deadlines for new initiatives (V – 7x – O – 7x – P)
    • Be overly specific about what you want
    • Avoid informal chats as meetings
  • Be quick to listen
    • Many processors do not feel like they usually get a fair hearing of their perspective.
    • Don’t multitask – put your phone on silent and give them your undivided attention.
  • Show appreciation for their work and their perspective
    • Processors are often unsung heroes
      • And sometimes unnecessarily viewed as villains to Visionaries and Operators
  • Challenge constructively
    • Don’t challenge them with anecdotes – challenge with data
    • Ask clarifying questions about the data to gain a better understanding
    • Pushed into a corner to choose you, the org, or the data the Processor will choose the data
  • Build trust with them
    • Trust comes from credibility
    • Be consistent with your walk and talk

LINKS

The Synergist by Les McKeown

Free leadership style quiz CLICK HERE

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EPISODE #109 – Leadership Judo with Operators

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Replant Bootcamp
EPISODE #109 - Leadership Judo with Operators
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This week the boys have been traveling to and fro, encouraging Pastors and Associations on the road in TX, planning some great stuff in Bob’s home town of STL and sampling the local cuisine.  But since you don’t tune in for food alone they get down to another EP on Leadership Judo, discussing the Operator Leadership Style.

Here are some of the highlights of the Operator personalities:

  • Operators have a bias toward action
  • Operators are often strong internal consultants
  • Operators tend to overcommit
  • Operators are hard to find

The guys provide some super secret leadership judo moves to use with Operators who are in your church within the heart of this EP.

Leave us your comments, drop us a question and remember to tell others about the Bootcamp!

LINKS

The Synergist by Les McKeown

Free leadership style quiz CLICK HERE

STL Sandwich, Gioa’s Deli

Sinaloa’s Breakfast Burrito in TX City

The Truth BBQ in Houston TX

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EPISODE #108 – Leadership Judo with Visionary Leaders

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Replant Bootcamp
EPISODE #108 - Leadership Judo with Visionary Leaders
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The Bootcamp Bros are back talking about Leadership Judo. What is leadership judo you ask? You can listen to last week’s podcast and get up to speed.

Here’s a quick definition to get you ready for this episode.

Leadership Judo: taking the energy of an opponent and directing it away from harm to a more productive place.

We’re going to get specific over the next few EPs in applying leadership judo to some of the leadership styles we encounter in our churches, businesses and organizations.  Today’s leadership style-The Visionary.

Here are some highlights (check the audio for detail)

When working with or Leading Visionaries

  • Hear them out
  • Ask, don’t tell
  • Be flexible and fun
  • Check in regularly

Are you a visionary?  Concerned your leadership style is creating chaos? Check out the bonus EP for some helpful tips on how to “judo yourself.”

LINKS

Free leadership style quiz CLICK HERE

Bonus episode for Visionary leaders CLICK HERE

Russ Taff and his Bell Buckle Weekend

 

Do some serious Judo on your church website by calling our friends at One Eighty Digital, they can get you up and running with their expertise. Tell them the boys at the Bootcamp sent you.

Drop us a line, a question and a comment, we’d love to hear from you!

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EPISODE #107 – LEADERSHIP JUDO

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Replant Bootcamp
EPISODE #107 - LEADERSHIP JUDO
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Grab your Judogi and join Jimbo and Bob in the dojo for some leadership lessons on this bootcamp as we talk about the concept of Leadership Judo.

Leadership Judo: taking the energy of an opponent and directing it away from harm to a more productive place.

VERBAL JUDO vs VERBAL KARATE (from Verbal Judo)

  • “Karate is defined by sharp, quick blows delivered with hands and feet. . . VERBAL KARATE is the lashing out, as if with the side of a calloused hand, when you snap at your spouse, your children, your employer, your employees, anyone.”
  • “Physical Judo was invented by a Dr. Kano in 1882. It was a derivative of jiujitsu, which means ‘pain.’ . . Judo means the gentle way, rather than the painful way.”

Some guiding verses mentioned in the podcast

Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Proverbs 15:1

A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger

Five Truths for All from Verbal Judo by Johnson and Jenkins (yes, that Jenkins)

  1. All cultures want to be respected and treated with dignity, regardless of the situation. When treated with disrespect, all people want to fight and get revenge.
  2. All people would rather be asked than told what to do. To ask is a sign of respect; to tell is often a sign of disrespect.
  3. All people want to know ‘why’ they are being asked or told to do something. Telling people ‘why’ is another sign of respect.
  4. All people would rather have options than threats. Again, offering people a choice of action shows respect and allows people to save personal face.
  5. Finally, all people want a second chance to make matters right.

LEARN YOUR LEADERSHIP STYLE (VOPS) WITH THIS FREE SURVEY

Do some serious Judo on your church website by calling our friends at One Eighty Digital, they can get you up and running with their expertise. Tell them the boys at the Bootcamp sent you.

Drop us a line, a question and a comment, we’d love to hear from you!

 

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