Author: Erin Cofield

Talking through Conflict- How to Have Crucial Conversations that Lead to Lasting Change

Written on March 19, 2023.

“We need to talk.”

Have any four words ever caused as much anxiety as that tiny phrase? The conversation that follows that phrase is usually something serious, and whether it’s an email from your boss, a phone call from a church member, a text message from your child, or a late night conversation with your spouse, the “fight or flight” response that kicks in after those four words is almost immediate. As someone who is typically “conflict-averse,” my immediate response is usually to think, “No we don’t!”

But not every conversation is a “crucial” one. Some are just standard, ordinary conversations about schedules and budgets and the minutiae of the day to day. So what moves a conversation from an “ordinary” one to a “crucial” one? And why should we work through the crucial ones? Wouldn’t life be easier if we just avoided conflict and dodged difficult discussions?

What We Have Here is Failure to Communicate

On the most recent episode of the Replant Bootcamp Podcast, Jim Bob2 worked through this very issue, using the book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High by Joseph Greeny, Ron McMillian, Kerry Patterson, and Al Switzler as a guide.

In short, a crucial conversation is one in which 1) stakes are high, 2) opinions vary, and 3) emotions run strong. This isn’t a conversation about which episode of “The Office” is the best, or which movie to watch– this is a discussion with real consequences. Sometimes, you can prepare for these. You plan to meet and discuss the topic with the other person. But many times these conversations come up unexpectedly and we’re caught off guard.

Crucial conversations can be really hard to navigate for three reasons:

We don’t have a plan in place to handle them. When we are confronted with one, our instinct is to react negatively, whether that is to shut down or to lash out.
We have a tendency to look at the “inciting incident” that precedes the conversation and forget about the past. If someone said, “Erin didn’t get the snacks for our small group tonight like she was supposed to. She’s irresponsible,” you might immediately agree. But if you look at my past history, you would see that I am not usually forgetful and you might find that there was a budget issue or another reason that I didn’t get them. Thinking about the person as a whole and not just the inciting event can sometimes uncover ministry opportunities instead of a negative confrontation.
We look at the symptom and not the root cause. If my husband and I are having some “intense fellowship” regarding our budget, we might be tempted to look at our most recent purchase and blame each other for whatever has placed our account in a tenuous status. But that’s just a symptom. Overall, the budget may need to be adjusted for many reasons out of our control, like inflation or unexpected, large expenses. If we focus on the symptom, it becomes too easy to lay blame and not actually work to resolve the issue.

We Don’t Talk About Bruno

The animated musical Encanto was released in late 2021. One of the songs became an immediate hit, spawning many of us (adults and kids alike) to mindlessly hum and sing, “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” everywhere we went. (I found myself humming it in Target and the lady next to me joined in. We had a concert for a full minute. It was awesome.) In the movie, the family avoided talking about their family member, Bruno, because he was a difficult subject for them.

Many of us can relate. “We don’t talk about Hymnals,” or “We don’t talk about Budgets” could be the next big hit at our churches. We don’t want to enter into difficult conversations because the confrontation it will bring feels like it just isn’t worth it. But while crucial conversations are crucial, they don’t have to be catastrophic.

When we are faced with a crucial conversation, we must keep the end in mind. What I mean is, when the stakes are high, opinions are conflicting, and emotions are strong, we must remember Romans 12, especially verse 18: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Our end goal should not be to “win,” whatever that looks like. Our goal is to move forward from the conversation in peace, toward a productive and helpful outcome for all parties involved, regardless of who the conversation involves. I’ve had crucial conversations with my kids where I knew they wouldn’t like the outcome, but moving away from the conflict and toward resolution kept me from damaging our relationship.

One mistake we often make in crucial conversations is what the book calls the “Fool’s Choice.” We tend to think the end result has to be “either/or.” In other words, I either can solve this problem or we can be friends, but I can’t do both. Not only is this thinking foolish, there is no freedom in it.. The quickest way to de-escalate the tension of a crucial conversation is to state your motive at the beginning. Realize that the end result is that you still want to live peaceably with this person and to love this person as a brother or sister in Christ. “Either you get on board or we can’t have a relationship,” sounds much different than, “I want us to be on the same page so that we can continue to be friends and co-laborers for Christ.”

So how do we transition our response to crucial conversations from our natural instinct (fight or flight) to a more peaceful and helpful outcome? We have to take a moment of self-evaluation and ask ourselves some questions:

What is taking place inside of me at this moment? Is this triggering something in me? Look at your body’s response– are you feeling hotter, is your voice rising, are you crossing your arms and getting into a defensive position?
Why am I feeling this way? Is there something in this conversation that is causing me to feel defensive and angry?
What story am I telling myself right now? Is this really an attack on me or is that just my emotional response? What are they actually saying and what do I think I’m hearing?

This might require you to take a quick break from the conversation. Even a quick break of 15 minutes could give you time to self-evaluate and see what you need to do to move forward with a better frame of mind. If there is time, you might have someone else (outside of the conflict) pray with you. If a quick break isn’t an option, try to relax your face and your breathing by quickly counting to ten. One of my worst character traits is that my face shows everything I am thinking, even if my words don’t. I often remind myself to smile or to open my eyes a bit wider or relax my jaw in tense moments, because otherwise I can offend someone without saying a word.

The Problem with Heroes and Villains

I have a spoiler alert for you: You’re not the hero of your story… But you aren’t the victim, either. When we are in a crucial conversation, we often resort to thinking of ourselves in two lights: Either we are the hero of this story and we must be strong and take control, or we are the victim and everyone else is a villain out to get us.

The truth is, Jesus is the hero. When we lean on Him to walk us toward productive and peaceful resolutions, we aren’t scared to ask for advice, or to think of criticism as instructive. Who we are isn’t based on our ability. We have a hero, and we don’t have to do this on our own. He is in that conversation with us, and He can speak through us.

We also aren’t always victims dealing with a villain. There are certainly times when there is one person who seems to make it their life’s mission to find fault with you. But just because that happened with that specific person, doesn’t mean it’s happening again with another person. We have to look at that story we’ve told ourselves and realize that our enemy isn’t flesh and blood (Eph. 6:12).

The next time you are faced with a crucial conversation, I invite you to take some time to reflect on your role in the story you tell yourself. Remember, a crucial conversation is an opportunity for Christ to be at work among you!

two conflicting signs, one to agree, one to disagree

How to Navigate Church Conflict

Written on March 10, 2023.

Mapping your way to successful resolutions

A fun fact about me is that I am terrified of frogs. I don’t know why, or when the fear of frogs started. I just know that when I get near one, something in me is convinced that the frog’s mission in life is to jump on my face. I break into a cold sweat and walk to the other side of the street or sidewalk to avoid them. I don’t think they’re cute, and no, you can’t convince me otherwise. I feel similar feelings about snakes, but snakes aren’t typically going to jump on me and I am 100% CONVINCED that the frog will. We live beside a pond, so the spring and summer months are basically full of me zigzagging around the neighborhood in an effort to avoid frogs lying in wait to pounce on me while I take my dog out for a walk.

As scared as I am of frogs, there is something else that prompts that same “fight or flight” response for me: Conflict. I am what some might call “conflict-avoidant.” For me, conflict triggers the same response that frogs do– I break out into a cold sweat and start looking for a way to get around it. I just want to be through it as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately for me, conflict in ministry is as inevitable as the frogs in my neighborhood. It’s not a matter of “if” we experience conflict in church, it’s a matter of “when.” Sometimes the conflicts are simple, a small matter easily resolved. But some conflicts are bitter and hard, and they can leave us wounded and weary as we seek resolutions.

Our initial response to conflict can be very revealing of who we are as a person. There are those like me, for whom conflict is uncomfortable and frightening. We may have grown up in a household where fighting was common, or where showing emotions was not acceptable (either extreme can lead to conflict avoidance). Or you may be someone who looks forward to conflict as an area where you can assert yourself or your ideas. But something we should remember is that when we are faced with conflict, we are often reduced to our natural, self-destructive sin nature.

Knowing how to manage our conflicts is the key to seeing conflict properly– not as something to be afraid of, but instead as something to embrace. Too often, we think of conflict as a sign that we are failing. “If I was doing better, I wouldn’t have these issues,” we think. But the truth is, conflict can be a sign of health! In fact, handled correctly, conflict can provide us with great opportunities for spiritual growth and relationship building.

The Starting Point for Handling Conflict

On the Replant Bootcamp podcast this week, JimBob2 walked through what it looks like to handle conflict appropriately with the help of Michael Hare’s book, When Church Conflict Happens: A Proven Process for Resolving Unhealthy Disagreements and Embracing Healthy Ones. As a church conflict consultant, Hare has helped hundreds of people resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

Hare describes conflict in three categories:

Unhealthy conflict- this type of disagreement often goes unrecognized until interpersonal disputes and church factions arise
Benign conflict- this usually occurs because of organizational deficits and oversights that are unintentional
Healthy conflict- disagreements that are recognized, acknowledged, and responded to in a biblically constructive manner.

When we are presented with a conflict, the most helpful question isn’t “what are you fighting about?” Instead, we need to look for the root of the disagreement. It’s not about the carpet color being changed, it’s more likely about the memories associated with the carpet or the fear of change in general. When we seek to understand the underlying emotions, we are cultivating a better church culture. Hare writes, “The manner in which church leaders respond to conflict sets the tone for the entire congregation and either provides a godly example of the ‘ministry of reconciliation’ or pushes conflict under the surface causing all kinds of trouble both in the present and in the future.”

Most of the time, in addition to the emotions of those involved in the conflict, we also bring our own bias into the equation. When we mediate a conflict, are we looking for compromises that won’t provide lasting resolution? Are we rushing to judge each person instead of listening to both sides? Are we responding with empathy, always keeping in mind Ephesians 4:15 and speaking the truth in love? Are we focused more on the unity of the body than on personal preferences? Emotions run high during conflict, and we must remember that our emotions are at work just as much as anyone else’s.

When we begin from a place of empathy and understand, we are responding redemptively. Hare describes this as something that isn’t natural for us– we have to train ourselves to begin at this point. He writes, “Learning to respond redemptively requires intentionality and discipline; it doesn’t happen naturally. We must be self-aware enough (with God’s help) to recognize when dangerous circumstances arise and be engaged in training ourselves in godliness so our immediate response becomes Christlike instead of defaulting to our old natural, sinful inclinations.”

Demystifying Conflict

Hare believes one of the ways we become better at mapping out conflict is to “demystify” it, or to remove some of the “unknowns” regarding conflict. Hare writes that conflict typically happens within 5 overlapping areas:

Intrapersonal: the conflict going on inside the individual person, a spiritual or emotional battle.
Interpersonal: the conflict between two people
Intragroup: the conflict within a group
Intergroup: the conflict between two groups
Structural: something within the organization that creates conflict.

When we are looking at a disagreement, we can typically see where this is happening and address each area accordingly. Hare uses the example found in Acts 6 to illustrate this overlap. In the disagreement among the Greek and the Hebrew widows, we see the apostles acknowledging the interpersonal and intrapersonal conflicts and responding with action. They didn’t avoid the conflict; they addressed the issue and found a way to continue the mission of the church.

Another key way we can “demystify” conflict is to look at potential structural causes for conflict. Many church disputes stem from disorganization within the systems of the church. (One group reserves a church vehicle for a conference only to find out another group takes an annual trip to the mountains that same weekend and have never had to sign out the vehicle.) Sometimes bylaws (or the lack of them) can cause misunderstandings. If you’re mediating a conflict between two groups or two people, it can be helpful to recognize areas where your church’s structure has contributed to the dispute and address those to avoid it in the future.

Kingdom Mindsets have Kingdom Resolutions

In resolving conflicts, we must move from a mentality that says “either/or” to one that says “both/and.” Using Acts 6 as an example, we see that the Apostles weren’t looking at the conflict as “Greeks versus Hebrews.” They didn’t feel like one group was more important than the other or that one group was better than the other. They found a way to say both groups are vital and we have to make sure that we are continuing the work of the Lord and making sure the needs of these people are met.

When we look with a Kingdom mindset, we are seeking the kingdom of God over our personal preferences and petty differences. We are looking not just in the best interest of our specific church, but in the best interest of God’s Church, the Bride of Christ. We are recognizing that we love the church too much to allow disputes and conflicts to gain a foothold in our unity and potentially drive a wedge between us.

Our ability to properly map out a conflict can mean the difference between an angry argument or a biblical resolution. Take time today to think about the most recent conflict you experienced. Would you handle it the same way now that you know how to map it out?

(There are multiple resources out there to handle conflict, but one that I found helpful was this list from NC Baptists of 20 ways to resolve church conflict.)

A tray of paint sits on a table for renovation

Your Perspective is Limited- Here’s How to Change That

Written on February 27, 2023.

Your Perspective is Limited- Here’s How to Change That

In September of 2022, our oldest son was called to be a Youth Pastor at a church in Alabama and moved out of our home in South Carolina. We waited the prerequisite 6 months before we decided he probably wasn’t coming back, at least not to stay. So this weekend we decided to paint his bedroom and turn it into more of a “guest room” space.

When he lived there, his room went through several transitions as his tastes changed. So yesterday, when we started the process of repainting the room, we knew it would need a little work. There would be a few holes to patch– just a couple of areas that probably needed putty and sanding.

But then we turned on the lights, took down some old décor, and started patching… And oh how wrong we were. See, what we couldn’t know was that these walls were covered with one hundred different holes as a testimony to his ever-changing decorations. Posters featuring athletes or video games had been hung with sticky tape a decade ago. Pictures and notes from his time as a camp staffer had been thumbtacked all over the room. Floating bookshelves that were meant to hold a few trophies had strained under the weight of old textbooks and pulled loose from the wall. And at one point, he hung old skateboards on the walls with screws and nails.

This is the ACTUAL room in my house. It looks like we have decided to polka-dot it with putty. There are hundreds of tiny holes, and a few large ones that will require sheetrock repair. There is so much work to be done just to simply prep it for painting that the room may never actually get painted.

Sometimes when we begin replanting, we have the same issue– we don’t see what lies under the surface. This limited perspective means we don’t know how much we need to do to merely prepare for the process of changing.

The Fourfold Panorama

In one of the first Replant Bootcamp episodes, JimBob talked to Keelan Cook, the designer of the Fourfold Panorama for Replanting Churches. This tool is invaluable to replanters as they begin the work of bringing life back into their church.

Keelan notes there are three things that churches must know when they decide to begin the process of discovery that leads to revitalization: The Biblical Mission of the church, which is unchanging, the congregation itself, which may be different from where it was at its start, and the context in which the church exists, which is ever-changing.

The problem in most churches is that the pastor typically only knows and can articulate one of those perspectives. It takes a unique, multi-perspective approach to know where the “holes in the wall” really exist.

In his fourfold panorama approach, Keelan states: “Churches exist to bear witness to the glory of Christ through the making of new disciples from all nations. In order to do that, two big categories must be considered: the local church itself, and the context they are attempting to reach. Too often, people attempting to revitalize, plant, or replant a church do so with an eye on only one of these categories. That is always a recipe for disaster. It may, in fact, be why the church is in its current shape. It is possible to polish up a church real nice, and due to a lack of contextual understanding, create the fanciest obstacle to the gospel in a particular neighborhood.”

Many pastors and churches are simply “nose-blind” to their condition. They think they know how their church is viewed within the congregation and the community, but in reality, they may not “smell” as good as they think. What I mean is, sometimes we see ourselves the way we aspire to be, but an assessment from outside perspectives might prove that evaluation to be false. In order to begin collecting data for this assessment, a church must ask itself: Do the activities of the church match the needs of the community?

As Keelan points out in the podcast, “a community is more than a geographical location-it is also a moment in time.” Instead of thinking of your community like a rock in the field, think of the community more like a rock in the current of a moving stream– the surrounding community is most likely drastically different than when your church began and you’ll need to “exegete” the community in order to know the needs of your community and how to meet them.

The Four Perspectives You Need

In order for the church to begin a proper assessment of its current condition, some outside sources are necessary. You’ll want to get someone’s unbiased, external viewpoint to help you begin the process. Your local AMS or DOM is beneficial, but you could also ask a trusted pastor from a different church. You’ll also need members of your church on the team. Your team needs to be as diverse as possible, filled with new members, longtime members, and potential members. You may even want to include the perspective of members who’ve left the church and gone elsewhere.

For the fourfold panorama assessment of the church’s condition, you need to consider four angles (or perspectives), and you’ll want to consider several sources for each. First, you need the perspective of your church, both inside the church and outside the church. Then, you need the perspective of the context (or community) in which your church exists, both from the inside and the outside.

The insider church perspective is looking for signs of life in your church. They are looking to answer questions about the vitality of the church, spiritually, financially, relationally, and missionally. In the fourfold panorama approach, this information is found through church data like budget, bylaws, and its annual profile, and is typically something you can find through interviews and surveys of your current membership. Some questions this perspective is answering are:

Does the congregation exhibit a vibrant faith, spiritual maturity, a commitment to prayer, and a love for God’s word?
Does the congregation love one another? Is there a spirit of unity, or does the congregation exhibit signs of deep division?
How are the church’s finances? Does the congregation still give and steward its money well?
Does the congregation demonstrate a genuine concern for the lost? Are they attempting to make new disciples, especially in the church’s immediate community?

The outsider church perspective is searching for the reputation and witness of this gospel community. In other words, how does the outside world see the church? This is found through visitor surveys, asking other area pastors, and your AMS. Some questions this perspective is answering are:

How do people in the community describe the church?
Do visitors think the facilities are substandard? Do they think the church is closed?
Does the church have a reputation for being divisive or friendly?
What, if anything, do outsiders know about the church’s message?
Do people think it is a Bible-believing church that loves people?

The outsider context perspective is searching for demographic and cultural data for the community where the church is located. This is found through census data, chamber of commerce information, even area websites. Some questions this perspective is answering are:

How do members of the congregation view the immediate community where the church facilities are located?
What are the populations and demographic trends?
How do community leaders attempt to present the community to outsiders?

The insider context perspective is, according to Cook, often the most challenging to obtain. This perspective attempts to understand how the actual community residents view themselves, their community, and the world around them. It can be found through community interviews with business owners and residents around the church. Some questions this perspective is answering are:

How do the residents view the community where they live?
How do the residents describe themselves and their worldview?
Are there competing narratives in this community? For instance, has gentrification created two opposing communities in the same location?
What is the spiritual and emotional climate of the community?

Patching the Walls

Once you have a proper assessment of the true condition of your church, you will find there are places where you may need to repair some damage. This may be within the church in the form of reassessing your programs and your missional vitality to your community. As the shepherd of your church, it would be helpful to remind your congregation of the unbelievably beautiful calling of the Great Commission and to issue a call to rekindle their love for the community around them. You might have to have some difficult conversations about change and adaptation, and you may experience some of the Emotional Cycle of Change (see Podcast Episode 126 for details) as you guide your people through their fear or their reluctance to change.

You may also need to repair some damage in your community. Your church’s reputation may be smudged, and you might need to make some apologies for past behavior. There may be areas where the church will need to repent of its resentment toward its surrounding community and you will need to foster love and hospitality within your membership.

This work will be hard. But in the end, it will be worth it. Your church will have a new canvas, ready to be filled with the next great chapter of your church’s history.

Resources:

Keelan Cook’s Fourfold Panorama Assessment Tool

https://replantbootcamp.com/wp-content/uploads/PND_-Fourfold-Panoramic-Assessment.pdf

Mark Hallock’s Replant Roadmap

https://www.amazon.com/Replant-Roadmap-Congregation-Revitalize-Churches/dp/0998859729

Bob Bickford and Mark Hallock’s Pathway to Partnership

https://www.amazon.com/Pathways-Partnership-Replanting-Movement-Replant/dp/0999418149/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=pathways+to+partnership&qid=1677342997&sr=8-1

Integrity in Leadership- Part Five of the Godly Leadership Series

Written on February 20, 2023.

This is part five of a series of five on the characteristics of Godly leaders. Part one, Humility, can be found here, Part two, Goodwill, can be found here, Part Three, Empathy, can be found here, and Part Four, Respect, can be found here.

For the past five weeks, we have studied the traits of a Godly leader and the qualities we must have to fulfill God’s calling. This week, we end the series with a characteristic that builds on the other four: Integrity. Integrity is the direct result of having humility, goodwill, empathy, and respect for others– but without integrity, none of the others will do any good.

Failure to Stand

In structural engineering, one of the most important aspects of architecture and building is structural integrity. Without it, a building can be destroyed if a disaster strikes.

In Ancient Rome, an entrepreneur named Atilius set about to build a new amphitheater for patrons to watch gladiator competitions. Atilius was wealthy but opted for a quick and cheap construction. At its completion in 27 AD, the Fidenae Amphiteater was set to hold 50,000 spectators– but due to its lack of structural integrity, the amphitheater collapsed under the weight, resulting in the deaths of over 20,000 people. The integrity couldn’t support the demand.

As replant pastors, we must remember that a lack of integrity won’t show up in the good times of growth and revival. As Carey Nieuwhof writes, “‘Normal’ doesn’t really test your integrity. Crises do. But when a crisis comes, it’s often too late to fix what’s wrong. The damage is happening in real-time.” This is the problem with a lack of integrity– you won’t know you lack it until you need it.

Godly Integrity

Thankfully, God is not silent when it comes to this subject. God’s word speaks directly to the topic of integrity so that we can remain “structurally intact” in times of crisis.

In Matthew 5:37, Jesus tells us, “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.” In Proverbs 10:9, Solomon reminds us, “Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out. And again in Proverbs 11:3, we read, “The integrity of the upright guides them, but the crookedness of the treacherous destroys them.” Both Job and David are praised by God for their integrity and their uprightness. In Titus 2:6-8, Paul reminds Titus to “Show [himself] in all respects to be a model of good works, and in [his] teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say” about them.

Imperatives for Integrity

There are five imperatives to be a leader with integrity. When we look at these, we have to be willing to examine ourselves and see where we are lacking. Without that examination, we run the very real risk that the next crisis will be the one that exposes our weakness.

Authenticity: As Bob pointed out on the podcast, this word may need a bit of reclamation. Often when someone says they are “being authentic” today, what they typically mean is that they are comfortable with their sin. There is a lack of conviction that allows them to sink to their base level, whether that means using foul language regularly or being too rude in their speech. At our core, we are sinful people, so if being “authentic” means that you aren’t allowing God’s conviction to change you, it’s time to remind yourself that you are still being sanctified. If we look at what it means to be “authentic” in the biblical sense, it means you can be “authenticated” as to your ownership. When people walk away from their encounters with you, do they feel you represented Christ to them? Can they tell that God is the author of your life? Is there evidence to show that you belong to Him? Are you marked by the fruits of the spirit listed in Galatians 5?
Consistency: Maya Angelou has a great quote on consistency. She said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” It really speaks to the idea that we need to accept what people show us through their behavior. But the inverse is true, as well– we are showing our teams and our congregations who we are through our behavior, too. If you are habitually late to meetings, what you’ve displayed is that you don’t value your team’s time. If you consistently fail to respond to messages or to do what you say you will, then you’ve shown others that you aren’t dependable and they shouldn’t rely on you. When you act differently at your vocational job than you do in the pulpit, your reputation is tarnished and you seem inauthentic to others. A leader with integrity is consistent with his behavior.
Tell the truth: This seems self-explanatory, but a leader with integrity has to tell the truth. Like our structural engineering example, if our foundation can’t be trusted, we will fall. All of us have heard stories of pastors whose private life proved their public persona to be a lie. While they preached a good Word, they lived a lie of infidelity and abuse. Lying erodes trust. If you can’t be trusted to tell the truth, then you can’t be trusted to lead well. When you lie, you encourage other people to lie to you, as well. Telling the truth keeps you accountable to others.
Seeks feedback: A leader with integrity is looking for ways to grow and change. They never see themselves as the smartest person in the room, because they know that everyone has blind spots to things. By definition, a blind spot is something you can’t see yourself, you must ask others to help you. Proverbs 12:1 tells us, “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.” (Don’t get mad at me, God said it.) Leaders with integrity look for accountability. I have a small circle of people that I trust to challenge me and help me grow. Any one of those people have access and authority in my life to tell me when I’m headed in the wrong direction.
Trustworthiness: If you look back at our journey through the five characteristics of Godly leaders and the five imperatives that go with each one, you will find that they all add up to this final character trait, being trustworthy. Can your church trust you? Can your spouse? Can your team? You may think immediately, yes, of course, but can I challenge you? Ask them. Ask them if they feel that you are trustworthy. Do they feel that you have the integrity you need to withstand the strong winds and weight of a crisis? Do they feel that they are safe with you as the leader? (If they are too scared to answer the question, then they have answered the question.)

Summing it Up

As we’ve studied the five characteristics of a Godly leader, we can see how each builds on the next. The fruit of godly leadership is best summed up by Ephesians 4:1-3. Paul says, “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness (goodwill toward others), with patience (empathy for others), bearing with one another in love (respecting others), eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit (integrity) in the bond of peace.” (ESV, italics mine)

When we look at these traits, we may be quick to assume we are doing well in each of them. But I encourage you to remember that a crisis for your church may only be one phone call away. There is too much to lose to take these imperatives lightly. We are in a battle for eternity, and when the battle gets intense, will we be left standing?

Respect in Leadership- Part Four of the Godly Leadership Series

Written on February 13, 2023.

R-e-s-p-e-c-t

This is part four of a series of five on the characteristics of Godly leaders. Part one, Humility, can be found here, Part two, Goodwill, can be found here, and Part Three, Empathy, can be found here.

My husband started his ministry as a Youth Pastor. We loved working with youth. We found them to be hungry for the Gospel and for truth, and we genuinely enjoyed their goofy immaturity, especially as they tried so hard to be “adults.” We learned so much from the youth we served, but one lesson specifically sticks with us: the difference between positional authority and relational authority.

In positional authority, you have a person’s respect because of your position in their life. As adults, we are used to this authority because most of us have employers who are in the position to speak authoritatively in our lives. Many of us were also raised by parents who expected this type of respect. But in this generation, there is more value placed on relational authority, where a person’s respect is based on your relationship to them. You can’t speak authoritatively in their life unless they value your relationship with them.

We had many adults who volunteered in youth ministry who felt that the youth would respect them because they were parents or teachers, or simply because they were older– positional authority. But what we found is that teenagers responded much better to relational authority. We could earn their respect and the ability to speak truth in love to them when we had a relationship with them. Without it, we were just another adult annoying them with rules and expectations.

Watching this generational switch showed us something: leaders have to show respect to others before they can ever earn the respect of others.

Find Out What it Means to Me

Thankfully, God is not silent on the issue of respecting others. In Romans 12:10, Paul tells us that not only are we to love one another, we should “outdo one another in showing honor.” (ESV, italics mine) We are to respect each other more and more, almost as though respecting each other is a competition we are seeking to win. In 1 Peter, Peter tells us we must respect not only the good and gentle, but also the unjust (1 Peter 2:16-18). And in Matthew 22, Jesus himself instructs us that the greatest commandment is to love God, but the second is to love your neighbor as yourself.

Mankind is made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27), so when we are respecting others and honoring them, we are respecting Him. Thus the inverse is true– when we disrespect others, we have disrespected the image of God in them. This goes not only for how we treat people with our actions, but especially how we treat people with our words. Ephesians 4 reminds us that we are called to “bear with one another” in an effort to always strive toward unity. When we disrespect others through gossip or slander, we have failed to speak only what is “good for building up” and what gives grace to those who hear us. We must remember that respecting someone isn’t just about our treatment of them when they are around us, it’s also how we speak about them when they aren’t present.

Take Care (TCB)

In case you can’t tell, I haven’t been able to write this blog post without Aretha Franklin demanding respect in my head. I have always wondered what “TCB” meant, and after doing some research I found out it was her shorthand for “take care of business.” So here’s where we as leaders take care of the business of respecting others. There are five imperatives that we must follow if we are going to show the respect to others that we must as Godly leaders.

Honor Others– When someone leaves a conversation with you, do you think they felt honored? Did you respect them as a fellow Christ bearer? Did you treat them with kindness or did you dismiss them with arrogance? A leader who shows respect to others will seek to serve others. How are you serving your team?
Open Communication– Be intentional about how you speak to others. Your words have power, so what are they saying? Are you respectful in how you speak to people? In a recent podcast, Bob pointed out that honoring someone can even mean speaking in a way that honors their expectations toward change. While a visionary leader may want to say, “Let’s do XYZ,” someone who respects others will say, “What do you think about XYZ?” Communicating in a way that honors the opinions of those around you is a way to show that you respect their ideas.
Disagree Productively– While you will certainly have times that you disagree with people, respecting them means that you remember the end goal is always unity. Romans 14 and 15 give us Godly ways to disagree with someone without disrespecting them. Instead of responding to disagreements with personal attacks, we need to ask questions and seek to understand why the other person sees it differently.
Help Others Win– When we respect others, we value what they value. We don’t merely cheer them on, we actively encourage them, assisting in their ideas and goals where we can. We get excited when they win, not jealous or bitter. We respect their passions and hobbies. We show up for them.
Express Gratitude– The people you serve in your congregation aren’t there because they have to be. While you do have positional authority as the Pastor, you must also cultivate relational authority by remembering that they have chosen to be a part of the church family that God is creating. You respect that choice by being grateful for them and for their contributions. Express that gratitude in various ways– not just verbally, but in writing or in small tokens of appreciation.

Respect- Just a Little Bit

George Foreman once wrote, “Without appreciation and respect for other people, true leadership becomes ineffective, if not impossible.” It’s not enough to merely have positional authority as Godly leaders. We must build relationships on mutual respect to be able to be effective leaders who can speak the truth (in love) to our congregations. We must learn to treat others the way we want to be treated, giving them grace and honoring their story.

Leaders who lead from a place of authority lead people to fear them more than respect them. True respect comes when a team can come together as a family and can acknowledge each person’s value within it, even when they disagree.

For further reading on Respect as a Godly Leader, see Designed to Lead by Erik Geiger, this episode of the Replant Bootcamp podcast, and this article on the need for Pastors to respect their congregations.

Empathy in Leadership- Part Three of the Godly Leadership Series

Written on February 6, 2023.

Empathy

This is part two of a series of five on the characteristics of Godly leaders. Part one, Humility, can be found here, and Part two, Goodwill, can be found here.

Have you ever taken a spiritual gifts test? I took one early in my spiritual journey. While I was excited that I scored well for the gifts of exhortation and teaching, I was shocked to realize I scored very low in mercy and empathy. Out of a possible 100 points, I scored a FOUR in the gift of mercy. A FOUR. It doesn’t take a math wiz to realize that a 4 out of 100 would be a failing score on any test.

I asked a mentor if she could help me understand how I could be gifted at exhortation (insinuating that I am an encourager by nature) but score so low in mercy and empathy and she put it this way:

Two people are walking one day and see a third person stuck in a deep pit. The person gifted in exhortation calls down and says, “Hey! How’d you get stuck in this pit?” The person answers, “I’m not sure. I’m just here and can’t get out!” The Encourager says, “Hang on! I can help! I’m going to go get a ladder so we can get you out!” When she comes back with the ladder, two people are in the pit. She calls down, “Hey! Why did you get in the pit with them?” And the other person says, “Well, I saw they were alone and I knew I could help by sitting with them in the dark.”

My mentor said, “You are the person getting the ladder. You have sympathy and want to fix the problem. But the person who crawls into the pit with them? That person has empathy.”

I knew I needed to develop better empathy skills if I wanted to lead like Jesus. In a recent Replant Bootcamp podcast episode, JimBob discussed this invaluable characteristic of a Godly leader and the difference it can make in the life of a replant pastor.

The Definition of Empathy

There is pushback in some circles toward the idea of “empathy” toward others in a pastoral context. We seem to sometimes equate it with “acceptance” of a person’s actions. Unfortunately, this not only mis-defines empathy, it misses an important aspect of mercy in our ministry to others. Empathy, by definition, is not ignoring the actions that brought someone to where they are– it is putting yourself in their shoes and feeling their pain as though it were your own.

Some of us have also equated empathy with sympathy. But, again, we miss the definition of both when we conflate the two. Sympathy says, “I’m sorry this is happening to you.” Empathy says, “I am with you in this pain and this is happening to us.” Sympathy allows you a lesser sense of involvement because it allows you to stay removed from the pain of another person.

A third definition is helpful here, too, when we look at empathy. Compassion is empathy in action. You are so motivated by the pain of someone else that it moves you toward action. This response can be difficult for those of us who were never shown compassion from our parents. If the reply to your pain was an exasperated parent saying, “Well if you hadn’t done XYZ, then this wouldn’t have happened.“ Or “get over it. You’re fine,” you are going to find it very difficult to come to a place of empathy with others. Likewise, if you had a very emotional parent who made your pain more about them than about you, you will likely have a hard time dealing with being empathetic toward someone else’s emotional pain. You have not had empathy modeled for you, so it will be hard to understand why you need to give it to others.

The Demand for Empathy

While all pastors should practice empathy as they counsel and work with the people their team, replant pastors have a unique role to play as they serve. In a replant, there are likely to be two issues that demand we respond with empathy. The first is the propensity toward change in a replant. In a separate blog and podcast, the Replant Bootcamp team discussed the emotional cycle of change. As you guide your church through transformation, empathy helps you seek to not only understand negative pushback toward change, but also to navigate through someone’s emotional response to it. The second issue a replant pastor faces is the need to reach the community around them. The experiences in the surrounding community may be very different from your own. Your response to their pain must be from a place of understanding and empathy. People who are hurting need to hear and know that you care and have compassion for them so that they can hear the hope of the Gospel.

This isn’t a new idea. This characteristic of compassion and empathy is modeled in the way Jesus saw and ministered to people. Jesus repeatedly felt compassion toward people and moved to action by his care for them.

In Mark 1:41, the Bible tells us Jesus was “moved with pity” as he healed a leper. In Mark 6:34, he “had compassion for them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd and he began to teach them many things.” In Mark 8:2, Jesus states that he “had compassion for the crowd, because they have been with me now for three days and have nothing to eat.” He then directs his disciples to feed the crowd. In Luke 7:13, Jesus heals the widow’s son after having compassion on her and saying, “do not weep.” And in both the parable of the good Samaritan and the parable of the prodigal son, Jesus states that the character’s actions came from a place of compassion and empathy for the person in need.

Jesus consistently treated people with empathy, and his compassion moved him toward action. He didn’t condone their sin or become frustrated with it. He simply cared about them enough to show them grace and mercy so that they could hear and receive the ultimate answer to their needs– the Gospel.

The Development of Empathy

Fortunately for me, failing in the area of mercy and empathy doesn’t have to be a permanent position. Empathy is a skill any leader can develop with time. There are 5 ways that you can become more empathetic toward the people you serve:

1. Be fully present. The people you serve need to know that they are important to you. Give them your full attention.
2. Be an active listener. Engage people and actively listen to their stories. You may want to put your phone down and exercise curiosity. Ask about their perspective and their background. What led them to this moment? What experiences have they had?
3. Suspend judgment. Seek to understand where someone is coming from before you make judgments about them. Remember their experiences have informed their emotions and actions, and their experience may be different than yours.
4. Create compassionate understanding. Before you attempt to “solve” an issue, try to understand the other person’s perspective on it. Be compassionate as you try to help them move toward resolution.
5. Practice proactive caring. Meet the person’s needs as you’re able to, whether that’s being actively involved in meeting physical needs, or simply sitting with them as they need you.

When we practice Godly empathy, we are modeling Christ’s compassion for others. To truly be a godly leader, one must be willing to sit with someone else’s pain the way He did. Jesus allowed himself to be moved into someone else’s pain, even to the point of weeping with them or over them.

Sit in the pit with the person, and then crawl out together. You’ll both be grateful you did.

Some resources on Empathy are this article by Daniel Harrison and this blog post by Scot McKnight.

Goodwill in Leadership– Part Two of the Godly Leadership Series

Written on January 30, 2023.

Goodwill

This is part two of a series of five on the characteristics of Godly leaders. Part one, Humility, can be found here.

A Tale of Two Bosses

Today, I am a veterinary technician (aka an animal nurse). But my first career was in finance. Over the course of fifteen years, I was a teller, Customer Service Representative, Loan Officer, and at my last position, a Branch Manager. I had many bosses in that time, but my favorite was Susan, the Lead Teller at my first job. Susan was incredible. She was the type of person that made you feel like you were capable of anything. She listened if we voiced concerns over a new policy or if we were confused about a new product. She knew all the answers, but never made us feel ignorant for asking questions. Susan was genuinely interested in our lives outside of work, and always made it a point to remember our family events like birthdays and anniversaries. She celebrated us as a team and never took credit for our achievements, even though many times it was her sales that made the difference in us winning or losing. In my head, every leader I meet gets compared to Susan.

Meanwhile, my husband, who is a senior pastor now, worked in logistics at two national warehouses during his first career. He, too, had several bosses during that time, but their leadership style couldn’t have been more different than Susan’s. One in particular was an emotionally volatile man who would rage and scream at the employees, even going so far as to punch the wall beside your head if you were lucky enough to be standing near one. His name was Don. He was demeaning, often referring to his employees as “stupid…” or worse. He worked everyone so hard they didn’t have time to have a life outside of the warehouse, and Don wasn’t interested in it if they did. When they won an award for bringing their department up from last place in the nationwide company to third in the company, Don screamed at them for being the “least best in the top three.” In my husband’s head, every leader he meets gets compared to Don.

The difference between the two leaders? Goodwill.

Goodwill- The Intangible Asset

When we think of “goodwill,” we probably think of the discount thrift store that bears the name, and we wouldn’t necessarily be too far off in that thinking. Goodwill stores were built on the idea that people need a hand up, not a hand-out, and on providing training for those who need tangible workplace skills. When we think of a leader who has goodwill, we are looking at someone who encourages and equips others for the task at hand. The ideas are not dissimilar.

The Replant Bootcamp fellas discussed this idea of “goodwill” in a recent podcast. Jimbo defined goodwill in business as “an intangible, salable asset arising from the reputation of a business and its relations with its customers, distinct from the value of its stock and other tangible assets.” When we bring this definition into our role as Replant pastors and leaders, we have to look at our own measurement of “goodwill.” Simply put, it’s an intangible asset based on our reputation among our people and our relationships with others.

Goodwill and Godly Leadership

The Bible is clear on the qualifications of a pastor (Titus 1 and 1 Timothy 3). While the word “goodwill” isn’t mentioned specifically, the idea is there. When we look at what it means to be a Godly leader, we have to look at our level of goodwill among our congregations and our community.

Every pastor is tasked with preaching the Word of God and with shepherding His people. They are all called to exegete scripture and to instruct and guide their people toward a growing relationship with Christ. But while some are gifted in that area, they lack the intangible asset of not being a genuinely nice person. In fact, some of them even come across as jerks.

I’m sure you’ve been around someone like that. He is a gifted and talented communicator, but man… He’s hard to be around. He pokes fun at others. He is rude to the waitstaff when you go to lunch with him. He’s emotionally unstable, and you’re never sure if he’s going to blow up over something. He’s arrogant about success and takes no accountability for failures.

Maybe you have a guy in mind right now.

Maybe someone has you in mind right now.

So how do we evaluate this “intangible” asset in ourselves and find out if we might be lacking in this characteristic of a Godly leader?

What’s Your Score?

There are five basic characteristics we can use to measure goodwill. Let’s break down each of them and see where we stand.

1. A generous spirit. Like Susan in the example above, leaders who have high levels of goodwill will be generous with praise and encouragement. They aren’t hoarding their knowledge to make others feel ignorant, they share it freely. They are always looking for ways to help other people experience “wins,” instead of wishing it was them. The people who serve with them genuinely enjoy their presence. If the audience loves you but the people who serve with you day to day are miserable around you, your lack of goodwill is showing.
2. A high level of Emotional Quotient (EQ). Unlike IQ, which measures your logic and skills, EQ measures your ability to “read the room.” Do you dominate conversations? Are you quick to speak and slow to hear? Are you constantly sharing your own stories instead of hearing someone else’s? Do you give advice before someone asks for it? Are you the first person to speak in meetings or the last? When the people around you are exhausted by being around you, you’ve misread the room.
3. Self-Regulation of your Emotions. I will put this as simply as I can. A pastor cannot be the guy who “blows up” all the time. Are there times you will be angry? Of course. But you can’t be so emotionally volatile that you ruin your goodwill among your congregation. Your family also suffers when you can’t regulate your emotions. If your spouse is scared to talk to you about difficult subjects, or your kids don’t trust you, you’ve lost your goodwill among them. I will also caution that this one, specifically, can ruin your goodwill in the community. I once had a pastor come into my job and yell at me, cursing and berating me the whole time. I will never forget that pastor. Every person in that office won’t, either. And none of my fellow employees will ever attend his church. His measure of “goodwill” in the community is ruined. Don’t be that guy.
4. Providing specific encouragement to others. This is not simply walking around and saying, “Great job, guys!” to everyone who serves with you. Be specific in your praise. A leader with high levels of goodwill won’t give general praise– they actively look for specific reasons to praise the work of God in other people. General praise tends to feel inauthentic after a while. Specific, targeted praise makes other people feel “seen,” and that’s a quality of a Godly leader.
5. Being quick to forgive. Ever known someone who blacklisted others after they hurt him? That guy is awful to be around. He’s held a grudge for so long, everyone else has forgotten what even happened. But a Godly leader knows how much he’s been forgiven by God, so he doesn’t withhold forgiveness from others. Will people let you down and hurt your feelings? Absolutely. But forgiving others depends more on you than on them.

If you’ve read over the last five characteristics of someone with high levels of goodwill and you’ve recognized some areas where you need improvement, take time today to ask God to guide you. If you read over this list and feel confident that you have all of those qualities, ask someone close to you, your spouse or a close friend, to read over it and to honestly let you know where you can improve– after all, that’s what a Godly leader with high goodwill would do.

Humility in Leadership– Part One of the Godly Leadership series

Written on January 23, 2023.

Humility

This is part one of a series of five on the characteristics of Godly leaders.

I wasn’t sure what the drawing was supposed to be. It could be a picture of our family, but it could just as easily have been a picture of trees, or aliens, or flowers…I’m going to be honest– it wasn’t the artist’s best work. It was covered in an unnecessary amount of glitter and glue and the colors clashed. And yet, they demanded that it be displayed on the “fwidge” and declared it the best work they’d ever created. They bragged about how pretty they’d made it and how beautiful it was. They were boastful and arrogant. And, looking into the eyes of my child, I, too, exclaimed it to be the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen and hung the dripping, glittering masterpiece on my refrigerator. The artist was only three years old, after all. They didn’t know how to be humble.

The thing is, none of us are born with the character trait of humility. Most children are naturally boastful and prideful, convinced that they are right and that the world should bend to them. We are born into sin, and that sin carries itself as pride in our lives. We are not, in our human nature, inclined toward the self-awareness humility requires. Unfortunately, some of us never mature past that and become boastful and arrogant adults who are convinced that we are right and the world should bend to us.

It Isn’t Hard to be Humble

When we are born again and Christ changes us from the inside out, we have a new nature. Paul instructs us to “put on” this new self, with “compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” (Col. 3:12-14) Self-control, a key component of humility, is one of the fruits of the spirit listed in Galatians 5. The Lord changes us to be more humble as we grow closer to Him.

This is even more important for pastors, especially those in a replant. As a replanter, you may have success that leads to growth and recognition among your peers. In these times, humility will not come easily if you aren’t already practiced in it. It will be tempting to look at your achievements as just that– yours, and not God’s through you. Alternatively, you will certainly face times of discouragement and uncertainty in your leadership. There may be times that people are unhappy with you or frustrated with your decisions… and you will need to rely on the godly characteristic of humility in those moments.

You might be thinking, “Believe me, Erin, in those moments I have plenty of people that are keeping me humble.” But I am not referring to the low self-esteem that comes from being beaten down by discouragement or other people’s opinion of you. I am talking about the character trait of biblical humility: a trait marked by self-awareness of who you are in Christ and what you can do in Him.

Humbled by Grace

We often confuse being humble with being weak– which is not a great leadership quality. C.S. Lewis is often misquoted for saying, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” In actuality, Lewis wrote, “He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.” (Mere Christianity, page 128)

Many who read this blog post will read it thinking of someone else– “Man, I wish so and so could read this! They could use a dose of humility!” Friends, this response may very well mean that you, yourself, lack humility. Lewis reminds us, “If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed.”

Humility is not weakness- it is self–awareness. When we realize who we are in Christ, we are better able to bear with each other and forgive each other, as Paul instructed us. This self-awareness comes through knowing that we are sinners saved by grace. We were not saved because we were so good that God deemed us worthy, we were saved by God because we could not save ourselves. Only when we look at our sin as God does do we realize that we have no right to stand above anyone else. We go from boasting in our own power and what we can accomplish to recognizing God’s grace in using us, despite our sin and our weakness.

Humbled by Sovereignty

If God is using us and we can’t boast in our own power, then we have another blessing in humility: God-grounded confidence. Humility is resting in the knowledge that God’s will is going to be done, regardless of our own machinations and manipulations.

Have you ever gone into a meeting that was so tense and so nerve-wracking that you didn’t sleep the night before? Well, chances are that anxiety you felt was because you weren’t secure in God’s sovereignty. You felt the pressure to make it happen, to work it out, to fix the problem. But God doesn’t need that from you. He isn’t interested in what you can do. Humility recognizes that we are only able to accomplish God’s will. There is rest in knowing that God’s will doesn’t depend on our strength.

Again, I am not referring to low self-esteem. I am referring to the humility that comes from knowing God is in control and I am not.

Humbled by Ignorance

One of the character traits most needed in a Godly leader is that of humble learning. In our arrogance, sometimes we think we are the smartest person in the room. But the problem is, we don’t know what we don’t know.

Some years ago, I discovered I had inadvertently hurt someone close to me. I had made an off-hand comment that resulted in many laughs but had deeply wounded my friend. In my pride in needing to be the funniest person in the room, I was ignorant of something they had experienced that was very painful for them. It was mortifying to realize in that moment, I had caused them to re-live that pain and feel it again. I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

Humble leaders are better learners– they recognize and value the input they get from others. They realize that their opinion isn’t always the right one, or that they may need more information from others in order to make a more informed decision. They are better listeners, because they have learned to give others room to share. And they are better encouragers, because they celebrate the “wins” of others instead of boasting about their own.

The Heart of Humility

God loves humility. The Bible says God “opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5 and James 4:6). God honors and blesses humility.

Pastor, may I exhort you to take some time this week and reflect on your humility? Perhaps dive deep into Proverbs and allow some of Solomon’s wisdom on humility to grant you a new perspective. Some of the questions to ask yourself might be:

When someone else wins do I celebrate with them or feel sorry that it isn’t me?
Do I find myself doing all of the talking in meetings or in my personal relationships?
When someone challenges me, do I rush to defend myself or do I accept criticism with grace?
Is my need to be heard greater than my desire to listen?
Do I make decisions from a position of confidence in God or fear of the future?

Some other resources on Humility in Pastoral Leadership are this book, this book, and this podcast episode.

The Emotional Cycle of Change

Written on January 16, 2023.

“A pastor goes into it thinking he’s going to change the world… He gets fired for changing the bulletin.” Yikes… That is one of those tough sayings that rings true for far too many pastors that I know. They had high hopes of replanting a struggling church but realized quickly that change is hard.

But here’s some good news: change follows a fairly predictable pattern. And if you can exercise tactical patience, you really CAN change the world– or, at least, your church.

Stage One: Uninformed Optimism

Oh man. This stage is absolutely great… while it lasts. Unfortunately, that’s not very long. At this stage, everyone is excited about the change. They’re “ready for change,” they’re “eager for a new direction” and “looking forward to some new ideas.” The optimism is contagious, and there’s a good wave of momentum. This is the stage when a pastor starts planning out some necessary changes and begins talking about them with key people who are mostly supportive.

On the Replant Bootcamp podcast, the guys compared this stage to the Israelites coming out of Egypt. There was joy as they celebrated the First Passover and began to follow God’s direction. They were led by God in the form of a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night, and they were ready to take hold of the Promised Land God had pledged to them (Exodus 13).

But just like Moses, pastors will discover that after the initial excitement wears off, the congregation will start into the negative Stage Two.

Stage Two: Informed Pessimism

One of the most important things a pastor can do when implementing changes is to communicate. You can’t over-communicate when you are making changes. Your congregation needs to know the what, when, how, and especially why changes are being made. There is a temptation here for most pastors, because once change is communicated, then the protests start. “We’ve done it this way for years– why change now?” “That sounds expensive and like a lot of work. We don’t have the resources for that.” “We don’t want to do something new. We like it this way.”

In this stage, the benefits of change don’t feel immediate and sometimes the wait can make them seem unimportant. You might forget why you felt so strongly about the changes you were called to make. The cost associated with the change becomes apparent, and the grumbling starts to wear you down.

Again, we can look to the Israelites and see the parallel. In Exodus 14, as the Egyptians are racing toward them, the Israelites look at Moses and say, “Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: ‘Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians’? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.” (Exodus 14:11) Funny isn’t it? The same Israelites who were just a chapter before praising God for His deliverance have abandoned the idea at the first sign of trouble! Suddenly they don’t remember the horror of Egypt, they would rather go backward than to face their fear, which leads directly to stage three.

Stage Three: The Valley of Despair

The costs have been counted, and the people are grumbling. Benefits for change seem far away and your people are struggling to support a change they don’t feel is necessary. You’ve tried to communicate the reasons why, and you’ve fought the good fight. But in stage three, even you will start to question your decisions for change. You will start wondering if this is even worth it.

At this stage, no one is happy. You aren’t happy, your congregation isn’t happy. Heck, even your dog is unhappy at this point. You will look for a way out of this hard struggle. And the easiest way to get out of it? Just go back to the way it was. After all, you rationalize, it wasn’t so bad before. It’s the same feeling the Israelites had when they told Moses, “Just take us back to Egypt!”

Many pastors quit at this point. And it’s definitely tempting to walk away. But beware– this is a watershed moment. If you can stand firm and exercise patience in this stage, you can make it to stage four!

Stage Four: Informed Optimism

Yay! We’re back to an optimistic point! Finally, you are seeing some fruits of your labor. The benefits you knew would come are tangible and people are feeling momentum. At this stage, there is support for the vision and excitement is building. Your congregation has not only embraced the change, they now see the tangible difference it made and are inspired by it!

For the Israelites, this looks like crossing the Jordan into the Promised Land (Joshua 3). They have wandered for 40 years as a punishment for their disobedience and their obstinance. But in crossing the Jordan, they are making a break with their old life and entering into their new life with God in the land promised to them. (We certainly hope you don’t have to wander for 40 years in the desert of indecision, but you should know that most of the time you won’t reach this stage until year 4 or 5 of a replant.) They are ready to take on the task of fulfilling God’s covenantal promise to them.

Stage Five: Success and Fulfillment

The final stage of the emotional cycle of change is success and fulfillment. You are not only seeing your changes and your goals come to fruition, you are creating a whole new culture. This is no longer about small changes, this is about the larger attitude of the church. The church is changing from a “me first” mindset to a church that makes disciples that makes disciples that make the community noticeably better– one with a healthy culture of disciple-making and missional involvement. It’s not change for the next year or two, or even for your time as a pastor there, it is a multi-generational change that lasts long past your tenure.

Looking at our parallel with the Israelites, this is the Battle of Jericho moment. This is complete trust in God and complete success in the mission of God.

How do we get there from here?

Many of you are stuck in those early stages. Can I take a moment to encourage you? Typically, it takes 4-5 years in a replant to see the latter stages of informed optimism and success and fulfillment. During that time, you will feel the temptation to give up. Many pastors give up around year three, when they feel stuck in that valley of despair. But we need you to stick it out, pastor. Your church needs you. Your family needs you. There are battles to be fought and hard times to go through, and we need you to know that there are better days ahead. God has not lost sight of you, and like the Israelites, you will soon see a victory. Keep at it, pastors. God has not abandoned your church– or you.

Developing a Rule of Life for Replanters

Written on January 9, 2023.

I enjoy somewhat of a routine. I like knowing when, where, and how things are going to happen. I have a morning routine to wake up and an evening routine to wind down.

But for some reason, rules feel different than routines. Rules feel confining, often resulting in me finding a way around them.

So when Jimbob spoke on cultivating a “rule of life,” in Episode 119 I was immediately cautious. I shouldn’t have worried, though, because this rule is not confining. In fact, developing a rule of life can be liberating if sought out correctly.

The Rule you Won’t Break

John Mark Comer defines a rule of life this way: a rule of life is a set of practices and relational rhythms that help us create space in our busy world to be with Jesus, become like Jesus, and do what Jesus did—to live “to the full” in his kingdom, and in alignment with our deepest passions and priorities.

Essentially, a rule of life helps us make a difference in the world in a way that is healthy, helpful and life-giving. Cultivating a rule of life isn’t like trying to follow a specific diet or exercise plan. This isn’t a set of laws to follow. Instead, you’re setting a rhythm of life that allows you to be at your best. The word “rule” comes from a Latin word meaning “trellis.” In John 15, Jesus tells his disciples they must abide in Him in order to “bear much fruit,” in the same way a vine abides in a branch. This fruit is the fruit of the spirit and without a trellis assisting us, our fruit may spoil on the ground, unused and unhealthy.

Peak Performance= Determined Disciplines

Developing a “rule of life,” necessitates that we keep our peak performance in mind. Each of us knows what it looks like to operate at our healthiest level. We can most likely look back to a time where we were physically, spiritually, and/or mentally healthier. During this time, we’ve had specific disciplines in our lives that encouraged our health.

When we think of discipline, we need to think of structure. Proverbs 25: 27-28 says, “It is not good to eat much honey, nor is it glorious to seek one’s own glory. A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.” (ESV, italics mine) A lack of self control, or discipline, leaves us vulnerable to the enemy’s attacks. We are unguarded against exhaustion, stress, anxiety.

We are often prone to overdo things in our lives. Sometimes that can look like overeating that results in weight gain. But more often in ministry it can look like doing so much for the kingdom of God that we become over committed and overburdened to the point of burnout. When we fail to set up a rule of life that gives us the structure we need, we can end up feeling like Paul in Romans 7 where he laments, “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”

Cultivating a Rhythm

In order to set up a rule of life, you may want to ask yourself a series of questions. These questions should help you determine where you need to structure yourself and your life in order to have an effective and abundant walk with God.

What are my goals and visions for this year? Setting goals gives you something to work toward.
What am I doing that will help me achieve those? These are some practical steps that allow you to move forward in your goals.
What areas of my life do I need to exhibit some self-control? After you set your goals, and you’ve identified practical steps to get there, you can now begin to set up the boundaries you need to structure your life around those goals.
What areas in my life are life-giving and life-sustaining? These relationships, ministries, and hobbies can help you stay motivated and give you times of rest and peace.

As you begin to develop your “Rule of Life,” perhaps you will see some areas that need to be shifted. These may be duties that need to be delegated out or paused for a time. It could be a habit that isn’t healthy and isn’t leading you closer to your goals. Or it may be the realization that you can’t do it all and you need to create space for rest.

Cultivating this rhythm will take time. It will take discipline to learn to protect that rhythm. You’ll need to learn how to say no to the many requests for your time and energy and reserve them for those that foster your Rule of Life. However, if you stick to the rhythm you create, you will find that you will end the year healthier than you started.

Resources for developing a Rule of Life

Rule of Life: Blake Bennet, City Church, San Marco FL

Crafting a Rule of Life

Your Future Self Will Thank You by Drew Dyck

Developing a Personal Rule of Life– Cross Culture Church